Break up, break out

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

feeling the flack

i'm so feeling this today...sing it sistah...

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me
He was strumming my pain
Yeah, he was singing my life
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly
With his song

ROBERTA FLACK - "Killing Me Softly With His Song"

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

new diggs and playing

what a whirlwind...the last few days i've been running on empty, but still running. flew to a wedding this weekend, returned and moved. it's a strange feeling, i wasn't in my bed over the weekend and when i returned -- i'm sleeping in completely new surroundings. haven't had a chance to explore the new hood' as i'm busy unpacking. the wedding was amazing -- both of them were ecstatic to be together. i didn't feel sad for a moment, but i'd be lying if i didn't say i missed the ex. not really him being there, i've gotten used to him not attending these kinds of things...but more so realizing that where we were at while we were together, he wasn't able to look at me like that, with wide eyes and a huge smile, ready to embrace the world separately and together. i don't think marriage is about to halves making a whole, it's about 2 wholes riding the waves. i suppose that's where we were not meshing. i was dating him already ready, feeling whole about me and where i may or may not be going...but clearly he wasn't. maybe it was our combination that prevented him from getting there. i can certainly see how much more free and open the possibilities in life are w/ out the drama that we had...not that there was a ton of it, but when it happened it did eclipse the rest of the pie of life so to speak. just random thoughts.

i'm still in this mode of wanting this process to be over...i want to have my place all done, furnished and looking and feeling fly, but have a ways to go. just like moving on, just when you think you have you feel that little tug. though the tug is not necessarily a bad thing. i'm feeling more fond than sad. aahhh but that can be dangerous too, i know i can't romanticize that feeling otherwise when i do see him/run into him...it will be so crazy difficult. it will be anyway.
last night after lugging home some essentials... cleaning supplies, water filter, bit of food...i started skipping. wow did that feel awesome...like being a kid. i came across the quote below this morning, maybe it's a reminder that i need to start playing more...

"The great enemy of creativity is fear. When we're fearful, we freeze up...Creativity has a lot to do with a willingness to take risks. Think about how children play. They run around the playground without thinking about where they're going. They trip, they fall down, and then they get back up again and run some more. They have a wonderful belief: that everything will be all right. They feel capable; they let go; they play...Not matter how many facts and figures you have, you can't predict the future. There will always be surprises...Creativity helps us realize that we don't have to understand everything. We can enjoy something - feel it and use it - without ever fully comprehending it." -- Faith Ringgold

Friday, August 25, 2006

lyrical thing

not a fan of country muzak....but, there are always exceptions, and this is strictly a lyrical thing:

"Someday, I'm gonna run across your mind. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight, I'll be over you and on with my life." - "you'll think of me" by keith urban

on with it.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

wondering what's real...

can't seem to get out of this feeling of, for lack of a better word: blah. have plenty to do, plenty to look forward to also. have you ever felt like that, that you're present but not fully present? like your body is there but your soul is just kind of lost? i guess i'm questioning what is 'real' anymore. watched this fantastic movie: "what the bleep do we know", you may have heard of it. further fueled the fire of my burning introspection.

the result of which, has been, so far, my self-grounding in the literal sense. i haven't seen any of my friends face to face since last week. nothing anyone did, just where i'm at right now. as i was home last night, i got a call from my dearest friend ever, a call that knocked me off my feet. i've always looked up to this woman for her spontaneity for her ability to embrace the newness of cultures, ideas, people etc. and i still do. i was talking to her about my break-up, catching her up on the latest of what's happened and where i'm at. it's so refreshing to talk to someone and know that you don't have to censor yourself AT ALL. this is that person. we've been through hell and back -- that's why it's so easy, so natural. she kept asking me to repeat myself, which i found odd, then she interjected "babe i've had a few beers, so forgive me, what did you say again".
huh?
so i asked her if she was out, no, she was alone. something was up. she's drunk and the sun was still on the horizon. she tells me she has something to tell me, but not to make a big drama out of it, because it's not dramatic. okay, i say. we're getting a divorce she tells me. her and her husband of 6 years, divorcing after living all over the world, after breaking so many barriers and walls. i felt my heart drop. but as she spoke, i realized this has been going on for a while now, and in her mind, she's already been divorced. kind of like how i felt about my relationship. it was falling apart for a while so when it happened, yes it was painful, but not nearly so as many signs had been visible along the way.
and then i have this moment, of incredible warmth, unbelievable compassion -- almost literally felt my heart expand. she and i -- were connected despite the miles. and what was exciting in this painful time for both of us, was that we were in this, literally together. it's no coincidence that we are soul sisters. so the stories i'd been telling her about my way of symbolically 'moving on' were really helping her to feel good about her/their decisions to end their marriage. that no matter what happens, there is a world out there for her, i, you to participate in fully -- weather it's with a heavy heart, a broken heart, or a heart on the mend.

Monday, August 21, 2006

here, there, everywhere...

well it's been nightmarish lately. too much to do, too little time. well actually more like my time management has been quite shitty lately. instead of packing and working i find myself drifting to happy hour which turns into late night hour. can't help it, as the end of summer draws near, i am holding on to every minute. and every time i turn around, a new invitation finds its way into my lap.
i was sick and out of sorts thrusday and friday, then off to a bridal shower. friday night was fab, met some young boys and had fun w/ my girlfriends -- reconnecting over pitchers of beer and tapas. saturday i bought some naughty wear for the bride-to-be and made my way to dinner and cocktails w/ 18 beautiful women. things were going well after my first martini and tons of finger food. then as we are about to head out and get dirty with the dancing, my stomach screams and waves of nausea take over. i've had food poisoning before but this was hellish. i was literally so delirious that i don't remember the cab ride to gf's place. she, thankfully, took such good care of me as i proceeded to hug the porcelain all night long. turned around and took the train right back home on sunday.
was supposed to head to the movies w/ a guy who i think has intentions other than movie watching, but i cancelled as i was still not feeling totally myself. got yelled at by gf who thinks that saying "no" to any potential is just bad news for me. but the one thing i'm learning in this healing process is how to put me first w/ out feeling guilty....i didn't and nor should i feel bad about taking care of me. opportunities will come up again, they always do, and i'm just one that won't walk until i can really put my best foot forward. sometimes a little downtime is the best thing to do regardless of what expectations others have of you.

Brown girl just got her heart broken after 5 + years of being in a topsy turvy relationship. Instead of babbling to my poor dear friends, I decided to write about it...all about it. Breaking up doesn't have to mean breaking down...this is about how I find my way to break OUT and embrace a new perspective and possibly a new main squeeze. Oh it's also about all the sh*t that happened -- the good, bad, the very bad and the ugly. Occasional man-bashing, but only when necessary.