wondering what's real...
can't seem to get out of this feeling of, for lack of a better word: blah. have plenty to do, plenty to look forward to also. have you ever felt like that, that you're present but not fully present? like your body is there but your soul is just kind of lost? i guess i'm questioning what is 'real' anymore. watched this fantastic movie: "what the bleep do we know", you may have heard of it. further fueled the fire of my burning introspection.the result of which, has been, so far, my self-grounding in the literal sense. i haven't seen any of my friends face to face since last week. nothing anyone did, just where i'm at right now. as i was home last night, i got a call from my dearest friend ever, a call that knocked me off my feet. i've always looked up to this woman for her spontaneity for her ability to embrace the newness of cultures, ideas, people etc. and i still do. i was talking to her about my break-up, catching her up on the latest of what's happened and where i'm at. it's so refreshing to talk to someone and know that you don't have to censor yourself AT ALL. this is that person. we've been through hell and back -- that's why it's so easy, so natural. she kept asking me to repeat myself, which i found odd, then she interjected "babe i've had a few beers, so forgive me, what did you say again".
huh?
so i asked her if she was out, no, she was alone. something was up. she's drunk and the sun was still on the horizon. she tells me she has something to tell me, but not to make a big drama out of it, because it's not dramatic. okay, i say. we're getting a divorce she tells me. her and her husband of 6 years, divorcing after living all over the world, after breaking so many barriers and walls. i felt my heart drop. but as she spoke, i realized this has been going on for a while now, and in her mind, she's already been divorced. kind of like how i felt about my relationship. it was falling apart for a while so when it happened, yes it was painful, but not nearly so as many signs had been visible along the way.
and then i have this moment, of incredible warmth, unbelievable compassion -- almost literally felt my heart expand. she and i -- were connected despite the miles. and what was exciting in this painful time for both of us, was that we were in this, literally together. it's no coincidence that we are soul sisters. so the stories i'd been telling her about my way of symbolically 'moving on' were really helping her to feel good about her/their decisions to end their marriage. that no matter what happens, there is a world out there for her, i, you to participate in fully -- weather it's with a heavy heart, a broken heart, or a heart on the mend.
posted by Dancing Diva @ 3:55 PM
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