week 3
monday started out ultra emotional. one the one hand, i was relieved the weekend was over. on the other hand, i was still digesting the fact that this was the first time i didn't celebrate his bday weekend w/ him. then i got an email from him saying that he had an okay time on his bday...and then the last paragraph of his email, that was the one that hit me hard. he basically told me he's been thinking about me a lot and was realizing more and more how wonderful i was and how grateful he was to know me. i didn't know what to say. i mean, sure i miss him and think he's amazing...many things i miss about him. but i guess in my mind, i don't want to communicate those things given the situation, we are no longer together. was i mad that he told me his feelings? no, not at all. it just felt weird because i knew i couldn't say anything back and feel good about it. this is where sadness round number oh crap i stopped counting, round number gazillion kicked in. self talk started in my head. i told myself, you can't talk to him about how feel, or even how you feel about he feels as that would be engaging with him on some level, actually on a very tender level, and that would not be good for me in the long run, if i am truly going to heal. so has hard as it was, when i wrote back, i didn't address his comment. i felt horrible, was thinking i hope he doesn't think that i'm some cold heartless -- then i thought wait a minute, i'm not cold, definitely not heartless, this is just ME putting ME first. taking care of my heart that is currently super duper broken. and all that matters right now is me picking up the pieces, and that's what i'm doing. never heard back from him. which is good (sad but good). rest of the week flew by as every night was packed w/ either appointments, class or friends. already had plans for friday night before mid week rolled around. with my fave girls from class. i'm not feeling great, but not super crappy either. there is hope.
ps check this out
friend just sent me this
article on Break up excuses...
pretty spot on.
ugh weekend 2
took my time getting ready for my fun friday night out. had vino, blasted the music. i decided to take the bus instead of the subway...was way too hot out there. i get on the bus and wouldn't ya know it, some girl that knows the ex pretty well shouts out my name. now this is not just some girl -- she's pretty much a basketcase. sweet at first then you realize that there is some flighty action going on up there.
she wiggled her way up to the front of the bus to chat. okay this is fine, i think to myself. then she proceeds to ask me about the vacation that i just took w/ ex, did i love it there, wasn't it fun? yes, yes , i reply, trying to keep a straight face. then i figure, let me just be honest. i tell her that we are no longer together. she nods - she knew. okay then. she then tells me that she's on her way to go out WITH ex and friends. then proceeds to ask me where i'm going. i am very vague and the whole time i'm summoning up every source of energy in the universe that she does not inform me of their plans. i just didn't want to know, at all. knowing keeps me holding on, for now. until i get over this hump, i have to be cut out and off of his life, otherwise i'll never let go. i survey the bus, no -- there is no wall to bang my head on. darn it. so next stop was coming up, and i got off the bus. no, it was not my stop, but another bus will come. then i have my epiphany. i can always get out/off. another one will come. there is more to life than what i'm feeling. i still felt like crying...i missed him even more just knowing that i ran into someone that was going to be near him.
that night ended up fine, i went out, hung out, had some frosty bevz. the next day -- that was a doozey. it was his bday - and i really wanted to wish him well on it...despite the pain i was going through. i grappled w/ it. should i call? email? not do anything? then i thought about who i was, what i'm ABOUT, and i'm a person who cares, period. so i left him a brief voicemail and sent him a quick email. both were short and to the point. didn't think i'd hear back, as i said no need to respond. but he did call - while i was in the shower. oh back track, while i was leaving the message, i kept it short because i nearly ended up crying. my voice started cracking up in the end. sucked. his message was nice, was so good to hear his voice. i didn't call back. oh gosh i REALLY wanted to -- but i know opening up a dialogue would not be good for me, at all. i knew they'd be going out tonight and i knew the area somewhat, so i stayed away and did my own thing. was a quiter night for me, but i went through the motions of meeting up w/ friends -- have to admit, i was thinking a lot about him. how could i not? i had planned to take him away, i had chartered a yacht for us, the whole 9 yards. and i really wanted to do it for him. cancelled all that sh*t (obviously) and kept his present, which i still intend to give him somehow. i still mean it, even though it's over.
Week 2
no surprise, this week was tough. came back from the trip and returned to my apt and my mind; both of which were a mess. i had so much going on that though i had my crying spells at night, during the day i was ultra productive. i think i prefer the weekdays now...sad, i used to live for the weekends. part of the dread this week came from the fact that i knew i'd be in town this week and weekend. sure i could have run away, and i almost booked a train out -- but other circumstances and perhaps a spirit intervened so i'd have to start facing the ugly sh*t. current roommate really sucks arse. she's been MIA on all her rent payments, and now owes our management upwards of a few thousand bucks. yeah. so when i received another notice on wednesday, that sealed the deal. i'm moving out, getting my own place - finally! the thought of that was so liberating! new everything, starting over, completely, even though i'm in the same city. new diggs new gigs. which meant i had to stay in town, the best time to look is the weekend after all. basically this week i've become a serial Craig's list stalker. Refreshing the page oh every 10 minutes or so.
i took friday off and walked around the city, writing numbers down, setting up appointments. the first 2 people to return my call must have thought i was super loco. the price was right, the space sounded great, i was about to make an appnt to go see it - then they told me the address. RIGHT in HIS building! not 1 but 2 - the first 2 that called me back! aaaacccckkkk! i kinda froze on the phone. silence. "uh i'm not intersted" i said. they replied "but i thought you wanted something in the city". crap. "well i do, just not that part. thanks anyway". click. technically i didn't hang up on them because i did thank them. i was so glad i was meeting up w/ the girls that night, i definitely needed a few frosty ones after that.
weekend away
weekend awayi love traveling alone! always have, but this trip has special significance. landed and headed straight for the beach. i have to admit, i was a bit antsy knowing my state of mind and the fact that i only knew one girl (the guest of honor) in the mix of 15! nervous about holding it together, don't' want to be crying randomly all weekend. as soon as i met them -- all my fears were alleviated...turns out 2 other girls had break-ups just that week as well! granted, their relationships weren't nearly as long (all under one year) but still, the sentiments and the emotions are all the same.
this weekend was a chance for me to really relax and let things out. i cried and a laughed and i laughed. still had trouble sleeping. i drank way too much -- till 5 am on the first night! then i went to yoga at 10am that same day -- drunk mind you. i couldn't do any inversions, and could feel the toxins literally coming out of every pore of my body. i was a sweaty mess. didn't remember much from the night before, except i did dance my a** off! i returned to the lobby and lo and behold -- there was a guy there looking for me. apparently my hot pants were shaking away and i must have told him where i was staying. i wanted to throw up! i'm not here to meet anyone and certainly don't want a tag along on a girls weekend! the way i see it, every night should have a new mix to shake with, not doing the 2 days in a row thing. nuh uh. no way. i pretended to be on the phone and nodded hello as i scurried up to my room. the girls then informed me that he was 10 years my junior! helloooooo....wow. uh....ya, i don't think so.
lost the carnage and headed out for another night on the town...since i shot my liver, i had a hard time sippin the gin n juice the rest of the weekend, but still had such a great time.
sunday was the perfect closure to the weekend. most of the girls left, save 5 of us and we got a hotel away from all the action. we bathed in the waves and talked for a good couple of hours, followed by a soak in the hot tub and then dinner overlooking the ocean. i did not want to leave. i knew what was waiting for me at home -- all my memories and pain that i still need to work though. but I MADE IT ONE WEEK! no calling, no communication w/ ex-man. phew, i know it seems like a small thing but so so huge for me, right now.
The beginning of the end...
it happened about 3 weeks ago..the entries below are leading up to this present week...
day 1
-- yesterday the break up happened. i'm not ready to talk to anyone about it yet. no fight or anything but just really tear jerking. i tried so hard for so long and now i feel so angry and just a bit lost. like i lost something that was such a part of my life for so long, even if he wasn't giving me what i needed, i still feel the loss. can't stop crying..thank god i have a private cubicle at work. i'm leaving early today to go running and yoga and then sushi...i'll try and keep busy because otherwise i get so angry and sad. i can't wait for this phase to be over, i know it is a phase but right now it doesn't feel like it. it just feels heavy.
i'm trying not to pick everything apart, yet i don't want to fool myself into pseudo healing. the only way to get through this is to get THROUGH it, which means honestly looking at all that's happened in the 5+ years we've been together. he said he felt like this relationship was a burden, and that's just how he feels. that's his truth. if it's hard for him to schedule time once a week for this, us...it's hard for him. but what about me? for me, it's important and special and therefore not something that's hard, but rather something to look forward to. we all deserve to have partners that are eager to see us, that don't use guilt as a motivating factor, that truly wish to spend time with us. okay, but us, i'm talking about me. so thinking like this is giving me some comfort, as there are certain things that I am just about and that i need in a relationship. we weren't growing, he wasn't interested in doing anything new, and more and more, got less intersect even in me. not in words, but in action.
day 2
i can't believe how much energy i have! i did end up running for an hour, lifting for an hour and then going to advanced yoga for 1.5 hours...and i still couldn't sleep! hope i sleep tonight.
i realized that this is going to be an ongoing situation -- it's like you keep having to break up! many mutual friends don't know..and i'm getting tired of breaking the break up news. so voicemail to the rescue. nothign wrong w/ that, as i need time to chill out now.
day 3
no sleep last night AGAIN! still having a hard time breathing when i think about the fact that it is over. it is over. starting trying to concentrate on work more, the last 2 days have been a total waste. i've gotten back in touch w/ old friends that don't live here, and their advice and reminders of what i'm about have been so key. then all of a sudden i almost crap my pants, an email from him. couldn't help but open it. he basically asked me if i wanted to hang out, mutual friends in town. felt my palms get sweaty...is he crazy? it's been 2 days...how could i possibly see him after what happened? last time i saw him, we were both in tear hugging and then parting. forever. my initial response was to fire off some angry "how dare you even ask" response...but the more i thought about it, the more my compassion enveloped me. he can't know how his note would effect me, and i don't hate him after all, i would have loved to have met up....that's the sad part. but i know i have to face this reality now, not later. i'm no young spring chicken anymore, and meeting up and corresponding will only keep me holding on, will keep me closed off from healing...and i can't have that, regardless of my age. (30's if you're wondering).
so i shot an email back explaining that i'm still reeling from everything and meeting up would be bad for me. that was the key, talking about it in terms of what it meant for ME. surprisingly he sent me a curt email back agreeing. then i softly cried for about 15 minutes. these spells of random emotion are coming out of nowhere, i had no idea i had this much inside of me.
meeting gf for vino, keeping busy.
day 4
finally got 4 hours of sleep, i think it was the vino! was supposed to go out of town for a bachelorette party, but don't feel like going. maybe it will be good? just found a ticket too -- is that a sign? i think i may need to get vino tonight too...
day 5
slept for 4 hours again, must be the vino! going out of town...i was out last night too - till 1am then came home, packed and am heading out the door. i put all his pics away, and gathered all his stuff in the corner of my room. not sure how i'll manage getting it to him yet, but can't do it in person. i actually don't want to see him. i think i'm just too emotional -- that coupled with some of the anger i'm working though is making me antsy.
