Wednesday, August 30, 2006

feeling the flack

i'm so feeling this today...sing it sistah...

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me
He was strumming my pain
Yeah, he was singing my life
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly
With his song

ROBERTA FLACK - "Killing Me Softly With His Song"

posted by Dancing Diva @ 5:01 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

new diggs and playing

what a whirlwind...the last few days i've been running on empty, but still running. flew to a wedding this weekend, returned and moved. it's a strange feeling, i wasn't in my bed over the weekend and when i returned -- i'm sleeping in completely new surroundings. haven't had a chance to explore the new hood' as i'm busy unpacking. the wedding was amazing -- both of them were ecstatic to be together. i didn't feel sad for a moment, but i'd be lying if i didn't say i missed the ex. not really him being there, i've gotten used to him not attending these kinds of things...but more so realizing that where we were at while we were together, he wasn't able to look at me like that, with wide eyes and a huge smile, ready to embrace the world separately and together. i don't think marriage is about to halves making a whole, it's about 2 wholes riding the waves. i suppose that's where we were not meshing. i was dating him already ready, feeling whole about me and where i may or may not be going...but clearly he wasn't. maybe it was our combination that prevented him from getting there. i can certainly see how much more free and open the possibilities in life are w/ out the drama that we had...not that there was a ton of it, but when it happened it did eclipse the rest of the pie of life so to speak. just random thoughts.

i'm still in this mode of wanting this process to be over...i want to have my place all done, furnished and looking and feeling fly, but have a ways to go. just like moving on, just when you think you have you feel that little tug. though the tug is not necessarily a bad thing. i'm feeling more fond than sad. aahhh but that can be dangerous too, i know i can't romanticize that feeling otherwise when i do see him/run into him...it will be so crazy difficult. it will be anyway.
last night after lugging home some essentials... cleaning supplies, water filter, bit of food...i started skipping. wow did that feel awesome...like being a kid. i came across the quote below this morning, maybe it's a reminder that i need to start playing more...

"The great enemy of creativity is fear. When we're fearful, we freeze up...Creativity has a lot to do with a willingness to take risks. Think about how children play. They run around the playground without thinking about where they're going. They trip, they fall down, and then they get back up again and run some more. They have a wonderful belief: that everything will be all right. They feel capable; they let go; they play...Not matter how many facts and figures you have, you can't predict the future. There will always be surprises...Creativity helps us realize that we don't have to understand everything. We can enjoy something - feel it and use it - without ever fully comprehending it." -- Faith Ringgold

posted by Dancing Diva @ 3:19 PM 0 comments

Friday, August 25, 2006

lyrical thing

not a fan of country muzak....but, there are always exceptions, and this is strictly a lyrical thing:

"Someday, I'm gonna run across your mind. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight, I'll be over you and on with my life." - "you'll think of me" by keith urban

on with it.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 1:14 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

wondering what's real...

can't seem to get out of this feeling of, for lack of a better word: blah. have plenty to do, plenty to look forward to also. have you ever felt like that, that you're present but not fully present? like your body is there but your soul is just kind of lost? i guess i'm questioning what is 'real' anymore. watched this fantastic movie: "what the bleep do we know", you may have heard of it. further fueled the fire of my burning introspection.

the result of which, has been, so far, my self-grounding in the literal sense. i haven't seen any of my friends face to face since last week. nothing anyone did, just where i'm at right now. as i was home last night, i got a call from my dearest friend ever, a call that knocked me off my feet. i've always looked up to this woman for her spontaneity for her ability to embrace the newness of cultures, ideas, people etc. and i still do. i was talking to her about my break-up, catching her up on the latest of what's happened and where i'm at. it's so refreshing to talk to someone and know that you don't have to censor yourself AT ALL. this is that person. we've been through hell and back -- that's why it's so easy, so natural. she kept asking me to repeat myself, which i found odd, then she interjected "babe i've had a few beers, so forgive me, what did you say again".
huh?
so i asked her if she was out, no, she was alone. something was up. she's drunk and the sun was still on the horizon. she tells me she has something to tell me, but not to make a big drama out of it, because it's not dramatic. okay, i say. we're getting a divorce she tells me. her and her husband of 6 years, divorcing after living all over the world, after breaking so many barriers and walls. i felt my heart drop. but as she spoke, i realized this has been going on for a while now, and in her mind, she's already been divorced. kind of like how i felt about my relationship. it was falling apart for a while so when it happened, yes it was painful, but not nearly so as many signs had been visible along the way.
and then i have this moment, of incredible warmth, unbelievable compassion -- almost literally felt my heart expand. she and i -- were connected despite the miles. and what was exciting in this painful time for both of us, was that we were in this, literally together. it's no coincidence that we are soul sisters. so the stories i'd been telling her about my way of symbolically 'moving on' were really helping her to feel good about her/their decisions to end their marriage. that no matter what happens, there is a world out there for her, i, you to participate in fully -- weather it's with a heavy heart, a broken heart, or a heart on the mend.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 3:55 PM 0 comments

Monday, August 21, 2006

here, there, everywhere...

well it's been nightmarish lately. too much to do, too little time. well actually more like my time management has been quite shitty lately. instead of packing and working i find myself drifting to happy hour which turns into late night hour. can't help it, as the end of summer draws near, i am holding on to every minute. and every time i turn around, a new invitation finds its way into my lap.
i was sick and out of sorts thrusday and friday, then off to a bridal shower. friday night was fab, met some young boys and had fun w/ my girlfriends -- reconnecting over pitchers of beer and tapas. saturday i bought some naughty wear for the bride-to-be and made my way to dinner and cocktails w/ 18 beautiful women. things were going well after my first martini and tons of finger food. then as we are about to head out and get dirty with the dancing, my stomach screams and waves of nausea take over. i've had food poisoning before but this was hellish. i was literally so delirious that i don't remember the cab ride to gf's place. she, thankfully, took such good care of me as i proceeded to hug the porcelain all night long. turned around and took the train right back home on sunday.
was supposed to head to the movies w/ a guy who i think has intentions other than movie watching, but i cancelled as i was still not feeling totally myself. got yelled at by gf who thinks that saying "no" to any potential is just bad news for me. but the one thing i'm learning in this healing process is how to put me first w/ out feeling guilty....i didn't and nor should i feel bad about taking care of me. opportunities will come up again, they always do, and i'm just one that won't walk until i can really put my best foot forward. sometimes a little downtime is the best thing to do regardless of what expectations others have of you.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 11:54 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

reNEWal

i'm here i'm here! i just got busy with my life...and, well i wasn't up for writing about the goings-on just yet, was still mulling so much over in my head. this weekend was so crazy, not in terms of partying, but in terms of the range of emotions i experienced.

beginning with the house party, where i met my gf and her international crew. i passed on the mint juleps (ewww!) and had some vino. chatted up a few blokes and all around was enjoying myself. then mf (male friend) calls me and asks if i'm up for meeting still. whoops totally forgot. i invited him over to the party, thinking oh he won't come solo. ten minutes later he's there milling around w/ my friends as if he's known them forever. we then went to a few places near by and i found myself just laughing with mf. i didn't think about ex for a good few hours. danced w/ my gf...all in all-- great night, until i came home. i got an email from ex and i felt so sad again.
i know i'm trying to move on, but some of the time, i definitely feel an emptiness...esp when associating w/ some of these new people who don't know me like ex did. it's funny too, the sentiments he expressed in his very candid email were almost identical to what i have been feeling. so of course in my head i start wondering why the f*#k did we not work out? not really the most productive question to ask, i know, because it doesn't really matter. he ended it, and though he tried to explain why (and i do understand why) at the end of the day the why doesn't matter. if i hold on to the why, i'll never move on. when i let go of the why i can still feel tenderness for him, and open my eyes to my path and ME moving forward. at that time though all of this was not entering my head - so i went into a little mini breakdown, mini because a few minutes later i starting thinking about the process of renewal. reNEWal. new.

of course it will feel odd, it's new, and that's my reality. ex was once new too. i became much more gentle to myself, and just let it be. rest of the weekend was much more enjoyable once i wrapped my heart and head around this thought. no need to stop myself from moving on, that's the point, not only of the break-up, but of life!

posted by Dancing Diva @ 2:35 PM 1 comments

Friday, August 11, 2006

no more numbers

it's friday, but i'm not in that blissful TGIF zone today. heading into weekend 6, it's almost becoming easier to not think of things like this anymore, in terms of week x and weekend x. if i keep gauging everything from "the day we broke up" i'm still holding on to that as a benchmark. and while it worked for a while to feel good, it's really not necessary anymore. i am realizing it does me no good to count, so that's why i am titling this one, the end of numbers and really the beginning of my time fully.
time is just so precious to me, and i've managed to be so busy that i've had no time to work on something that i desperately need to do, such as pack. it just sounds so boring, maybe because it is. and i know how emotional it was just cleaning out the 2 closets. looking at what i have left, i think i'm going to further junk-ify this weekend. there are plenty of plans, and things to do, and i'll go and immerse myself in various circles and see what happens. up to this point i think i've physically been there, but not mentally and spiritually. just elsewhere. i used to get so drunk that i would *think* i was fully present, and know full well now that the booze only puts presence further away. and when you sober up, YOU comes at you so much stronger.

still sorting through all my emotions, and i was surprised to get angry for a bit again last night. these bursts of negativity tend to come up when chatting w/ someone about how i'm doing. maybe it's best to stick to not chatting about that w/ old friends and what not. it's funny, it doesn't happen when i'm talking to my daily friends at all. i am turning over so many new leaves it's like a change of season for me completely. it feels foreign, weird and i'm refreshingly clueless.

came across this the other day, good stuff.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 12:26 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

middle of week 5

things have been crazy busy -- good i suppose. i was just reading through some blogs and came across this. i could not believe it, someone was going through something so similar to me. only she did speak to hers. i'm still not up for initiating contact w/ ex though. i and i'm pretty sure he won't be contacting me. not that we are angry w/ each other, but it must be this way if he is truly to do what he needs to for him, and i for me. the old adage 'love is not enough' couldn't be more true. i think some people think that love is this simple entity - all nice and neat, with crisp edges and defined features. i really is not a static thing, it's active and it encompasses more than what one can say, feel, see, touch or do. there are many books out there that talk about what it does to your body -- a chemical alteration of sorts. saying all this, it's not really that complicated either. once you have the trust and the bond, and you are on the *same* page, the life of love can seem effortless because you know, and they know that they are safe to explore the territory.
ahh okay back to what's going on here. still haven't seen or talked to him. was in the hood' last night and nada, though i still walked down the street w/ my heart in my throat. bf from college was planning on coming in today, but looks like that's not going to happen. i'm bummed, but maybe it's a good thing considering the disarray of my room and mind (these are intricately connected for me - clean room, organized head). this weekend i'll take care of that disarray in the room at least. i've been super bad about calling people back this week. i just haven't felt like chatting, and i know my true friends will understand, up to a point. i have a feeling that when i talk to bf she'll give me the a** kicking i need to get back to my 'self'.
happy hump day.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 11:25 AM 0 comments

Monday, August 07, 2006

made it past the one month mark

wow, weekend is over. can't believe it's been one month. in order to recover from friday night, i pounded my body through a ridiculous sweat inducing workout. that was very good. what was not so good for my soul was what i did after that. i proceeded to clean out my closets. sounds harmless enough, except for the fact that i ended up going trough loads of pictures from years ago. this included numerous pics of me and ex looking (and being) very happy. i was surprised that the emotion that came from me was actually positive....making it even more difficult for me to digest the finality of our break up. see -- dumb move. but maybe not completely. i think the positive feeling was one of compassion and also appreciation of the good part of what we shared. us smiling and really meaning it. you can just see the love in that. it's too bad, it really is. i really thought we'd work out. i loved to laugh w/ him, i miss that so much. i didn't throw anything away, but i did consolidate one box for pictures and pictures only. that way i know where they are and can let them be.
i did make it to the bday dinner, was good fun w/ good girlfriends - and new friends in general. we made it to dance for a bit. around 2 am a random man comes up to me and tells me i look like the chick from entourage (show on cable tv). my gf gets giddy and proclaims that i look like someone famous. i quip back to the originator of the comment that the chick could be butt ugly. he stammers for a bit and promises that it's a complement and she's blazingly hot. i did break a smile. so this is what the unknown is like. he crashed our party and turns out he's from LA and an executive producer. i guess a lot of people don't believe him so he kept encouraging me to IMDB him. he was totally legit, and quite the ambitious and successful (thus far) entrepreneur.
he was nice, but i'm also really glad he doesn't live here. no worries.
sunday i hung out in the sun w/ my good friend afternoon morphed into evening in a matter of what seemed like seconds.
i am realizing i'm thinking right now, at this point - i don't like boyfriends, and i think i'll be pretty happy if i never have one again. hmmm that does sound a bit bitter or jaded huh? i didn't think i am, but maybe for now i am. i'm not angry, and i do think there are good men out there but right now, i'm just liking not dealing w/ anything at all - plus i have enough going on w/ the upcoming move and travels.
maybe, just maybe i'm not really sure how i'm feeling right now. it's too foggy, things are just all too raw. i am certain i still dearly love the man who's no longer around.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 11:49 AM 0 comments

Friday, August 04, 2006

gearing up for weekend 4

today was a work-from-home day thankfully. i started purging things out of current apt. i have a lot of junk to get rid of - hopefully this makes packing easier. i'm dreading packing. i just wish i could *snap* my fingers and poof the move, packing and unpacking were all done. can't believe this is weekend 4. lately i've been obsessed w/ break up stories -- other peoples. somehow it makes me feel better to hear them...esp ones where the couple had been together for 5,6 even 10 years in some cases! i see now that it just shouldn't have to take that long to make it work. everyone has issues myself included. it's when the issues are larger than life, and you can't put the other person or thing (relationship in this case) first at times -- that's when it's time to jump ship.
tonight there is some low key dinner/drink action going on in uptown w/ folks from class, plan on going there for a bit. an eclectic bunch we are -- ages ranging from 22 to 60! then may hit a latin lounge in the city. i'm not that excited, eeeh okay i'm actually definitely bummed out. there i said it, it's out there. not sure what will be the best way to work through it. yesterday i took a double class, level 2 then level 3 and still felt a bit heavy. another way to look at that is that i did feel a bit lighter. i should be excited too - finally got offered my own class slot, so that starts in september -- though it's on sundays, it's a good thing. sundays were my "ME" days, where i don't make plans, and only do what i what to do, when i want to do it, as it comes to me in my mind. hands down my fave day of the week. it still will be as the 1.5 hours is something that i do want to do.
saturday will be more of the packing, maybe some sun/swim then out for a bday party. i would normally be pumped about this but again, feeling blah. hope i can work through this sooner rather than later. sigh.
i know that this whole process just can't be rushed though.
it is what it is.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 3:40 PM 0 comments

Thursday, August 03, 2006

3 steps back

yea that's how i feel, like i just took a huge jump back. emotionally that is. i know that i have to and am moving on. then why do i keep thinking about him? wondering if he's as miserable as i am -- as i miss everything...from sweet kisses to silent spooning.

i know why i'm thinking like this more today then usual. last night grabbed drinks w/ a mutual friend of ours. maybe it was a bad idea. i feel like i should be able to do this, hang out and hear about him, but i can't. does that mean i'm not strong enough? does it even matter? why am i putting this value statements into my healing process even?! this is my healing process, i call the shots. i just didn't want to hear that he's moving on...what made it worse is to hear our friend advising him to do that very thing. telling him to date others, and indirectly, telling me to do the same. and to make matters worse, i specifically stated to friend, "let's not engage in discussion about the obvious, and especially not the ex". moving on. yes, i guess i will, but right now i can't even think about it w/ out feeling nauseous. then he tells me that chick b (there is a chick a, more on that in another entry) was hitting on him like no other a few weekends ago. felt like crap to hear that...not because of the fact that it's a woman hitting on him, he's a free man as i am free, but because this was going on before we broke up. and he encouraged it completely. friend told me that ex wants nothing to do w/ it. yea i believe that, but that's only temporary. when he's weak enough and needs that escape, it's there for his use....more so as the physical can be completed by him, and many men w/ out even emotionally engaging.

anyways, enough about that. as my gf pointed out to me, i have nothing to feel bad about as this was going on WHILE i was with him to. not to the point of execution, but in subtle but very real ways. like i said in the last post, the whole don't want to live w/ out you IS in him, for whatever reason, not w/ me. and i have to accept that and go on. that's what i'm working on right now.
the move will be good, i'll focus on p&p this weekend -- packing and partying.
still feel weird..what's going to happen when we run into each other? it's almost been a month, he's only a few miles away...bound to happen soon. ugh ugh.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 3:33 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

real-time: week 4

now this is being written real time. this is week four and i'm midway through it. right now i'm mostly stressing about moving -- didn't mention it here, but i did find a new pad. much smaller then current place, but it'll be all mine, and i'm looking forward. looks like i may not get back that security deposit due to loco, financially whacky roommate. but i will try my best.

it's safe to say that i still feel so very weird. i'm trying my best to explain it here, but i feel like i can't do this ball of emotions in my heart justice. it feels so strange to be truly single again. i'm not saying it's bad or good, it just feels so foreign. i've been in this land long ago, and it's not scary, it's not even unfamiliar, but it's still strange. perhaps it's because i've been so focused on moving what i did have w/ ex to a better place. i was so determined to make it work, and now i see just how much of my energy went into that. i'm not saying there is not some work involved, there is in any relationship. now i'm seeing that what i was getting back was not even the base minimum. can you imagine negotiating seeing your partner less than 1x a week? that's what it was coming to. and inside all i wanted was to be wanted, in a similar sense to how i wanted him. and there is nothing you or i or anyone could have done to change that. he didn't want me in the same way, he even said it, i just didn't want to hear it fully. he said i'll never be that guy who'll say "i don't want to live w/out you". well damn it, there is, as there has been in my life, men that have said and meant and wanted that. i'm not saying that i want to hear "i can't live w/ out you" -- totally different. we can all live w/ out each other when it comes down to it. that's what i'm doing now. did i want to? no way. but i don't want to be where i'm not fully wanted. i was feeling like i was a burden, though i had no needs that were needy. doesn't sit well does it? i suppose that's why moving on has felt weird but not so crazy. i miss him dearly, and yea i still have an occasional emotional spurt (and i'm sure there will be more). point is i am going to go through this, working through it. it feels good not to hide what i'm feeling, and fully DO what i'm doing. this much i know, there is no way but up.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 2:28 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

weekend 3

before i get into weekend 3, let me back track to weekend 2. a very important detail i neglected to mention from that weekend. maybe it wasn't by accident. i was so po'd from it, i didn't mention it, but since i'm telling it all...

when i went out one night, i was meeting up w/ a male friend - a guy i've known for years, has a gf etc etc. he's never really been a fan of the ex, but was also very interested in hearing about the ex. i never told him much, that stays betw me and ex, that's just how i am. he's never hung out w/ ex on his own, but has seen him out w/ me and would always tell me how i deserve better blah blah blah. well now i know why he said that. we met up for drinks and he was supposed to meet up w/ his gf. he explained to me that they were in an "open relationship" meaning they are not exclusive, yet they bang 6 days out of the week. ya go figure. so he never went to meet her, instead he tagged along whilst i met up w/ my girls, which was fine, he's a pretty entertaining guy. this night above all, his flirt factor was riding high w/ me. to the point where he was grabbing my a** and what not all night. after a while i ended up just moving away, going to the other side of the room striking up conversations w/ random people just to get some respite. was making me very uncomfortable. then at 3am he gets a call from his buddy, after party. so we pack into his car and he puts some mushy sting/u2 type music on and i almost burst out in tears. i ask him to change it and he tells me that he likes the song. now was really po'd and on the verge of tears. i get to this after party and decide i need to just go home. he tells me he'll go with me so we can ahem 'talk all night' and he can ahem ' be there for me' . seriously, this is not the first time he's hinted at this, the other times were more blatant, like 'i will make you scream all night'. ya. thought he was joking but talk about crappy, i mean was feeling so down, but i in NO way wanted to sleep w/ anyone, esp not him.

okay back to WEEKEND 3. so needless to say, i didn't text sex-man back when he asked me to come to a party on friday night. eeeh naw thanks. had a girls night on friday -- drank an excessive amount of vodka and chilled at my girls house, then went to see a dj spin some 80's like no other. i danced my arse off! i did feel OLD tho...i mean OLD...it was a 25 max crowd. so i dragged one of my baby girl friends (she's still in the lower 20's ) to a place w/ a bit more balls =) we had fun there too. saturday night i was working and working till 9 then went to a late party in the city for a split second. the bus ride alone took one hour. lesson learned. sunday was shopping and bbq w/ my buddy, he's trying to find the right outfit for his proposal! you go boy! we got him some fly duds. all in all, was okay.

so i never thought emptiness could be so heavy. it's really heavy. hasn't let up yet, but i know that i must move on, even if it's only in motion right now. sometimes the action comes before the feeling. so though i'm not feeling like i'm moving on, every little action means something, and will get me there eventually. or at least this is what i tell myself. if i don't do it, no one will do it for me. this is in my hands only.

posted by Dancing Diva @ 4:09 PM 0 comments