Break up, break out

feeling the flack

2006-08-30T17:01:00.000-04:00

i'm so feeling this today...sing it sistah...

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me
He was strumming my pain
Yeah, he was singing my life
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly
With his song

ROBERTA FLACK - "Killing Me Softly With His Song"

new diggs and playing

2006-08-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

what a whirlwind...the last few days i've been running on empty, but still running. flew to a wedding this weekend, returned and moved. it's a strange feeling, i wasn't in my bed over the weekend and when i returned -- i'm sleeping in completely new surroundings. haven't had a chance to explore the new hood' as i'm busy unpacking. the wedding was amazing -- both of them were ecstatic to be together. i didn't feel sad for a moment, but i'd be lying if i didn't say i missed the ex. not really him being there, i've gotten used to him not attending these kinds of things...but more so realizing that where we were at while we were together, he wasn't able to look at me like that, with wide eyes and a huge smile, ready to embrace the world separately and together. i don't think marriage is about to halves making a whole, it's about 2 wholes riding the waves. i suppose that's where we were not meshing. i was dating him already ready, feeling whole about me and where i may or may not be going...but clearly he wasn't. maybe it was our combination that prevented him from getting there. i can certainly see how much more free and open the possibilities in life are w/ out the drama that we had...not that there was a ton of it, but when it happened it did eclipse the rest of the pie of life so to speak. just random thoughts.

i'm still in this mode of wanting this process to be over...i want to have my place all done, furnished and looking and feeling fly, but have a ways to go. just like moving on, just when you think you have you feel that little tug. though the tug is not necessarily a bad thing. i'm feeling more fond than sad. aahhh but that can be dangerous too, i know i can't romanticize that feeling otherwise when i do see him/run into him...it will be so crazy difficult. it will be anyway.
last night after lugging home some essentials... cleaning supplies, water filter, bit of food...i started skipping. wow did that feel awesome...like being a kid. i came across the quote below this morning, maybe it's a reminder that i need to start playing more...

"The great enemy of creativity is fear. When we're fearful, we freeze up...Creativity has a lot to do with a willingness to take risks. Think about how children play. They run around the playground without thinking about where they're going. They trip, they fall down, and then they get back up again and run some more. They have a wonderful belief: that everything will be all right. They feel capable; they let go; they play...Not matter how many facts and figures you have, you can't predict the future. There will always be surprises...Creativity helps us realize that we don't have to understand everything. We can enjoy something - feel it and use it - without ever fully comprehending it." -- Faith Ringgold

lyrical thing

2006-08-25T01:14:00.000-04:00

not a fan of country muzak....but, there are always exceptions, and this is strictly a lyrical thing:

"Someday, I'm gonna run across your mind. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight, I'll be over you and on with my life." - "you'll think of me" by keith urban

on with it.

wondering what's real...

2006-08-23T15:55:00.000-04:00

can't seem to get out of this feeling of, for lack of a better word: blah. have plenty to do, plenty to look forward to also. have you ever felt like that, that you're present but not fully present? like your body is there but your soul is just kind of lost? i guess i'm questioning what is 'real' anymore. watched this fantastic movie: "what the bleep do we know", you may have heard of it. further fueled the fire of my burning introspection.

the result of which, has been, so far, my self-grounding in the literal sense. i haven't seen any of my friends face to face since last week. nothing anyone did, just where i'm at right now. as i was home last night, i got a call from my dearest friend ever, a call that knocked me off my feet. i've always looked up to this woman for her spontaneity for her ability to embrace the newness of cultures, ideas, people etc. and i still do. i was talking to her about my break-up, catching her up on the latest of what's happened and where i'm at. it's so refreshing to talk to someone and know that you don't have to censor yourself AT ALL. this is that person. we've been through hell and back -- that's why it's so easy, so natural. she kept asking me to repeat myself, which i found odd, then she interjected "babe i've had a few beers, so forgive me, what did you say again".
huh?
so i asked her if she was out, no, she was alone. something was up. she's drunk and the sun was still on the horizon. she tells me she has something to tell me, but not to make a big drama out of it, because it's not dramatic. okay, i say. we're getting a divorce she tells me. her and her husband of 6 years, divorcing after living all over the world, after breaking so many barriers and walls. i felt my heart drop. but as she spoke, i realized this has been going on for a while now, and in her mind, she's already been divorced. kind of like how i felt about my relationship. it was falling apart for a while so when it happened, yes it was painful, but not nearly so as many signs had been visible along the way.
and then i have this moment, of incredible warmth, unbelievable compassion -- almost literally felt my heart expand. she and i -- were connected despite the miles. and what was exciting in this painful time for both of us, was that we were in this, literally together. it's no coincidence that we are soul sisters. so the stories i'd been telling her about my way of symbolically 'moving on' were really helping her to feel good about her/their decisions to end their marriage. that no matter what happens, there is a world out there for her, i, you to participate in fully -- weather it's with a heavy heart, a broken heart, or a heart on the mend.

here, there, everywhere...

2006-08-21T11:54:00.000-04:00

well it's been nightmarish lately. too much to do, too little time. well actually more like my time management has been quite shitty lately. instead of packing and working i find myself drifting to happy hour which turns into late night hour. can't help it, as the end of summer draws near, i am holding on to every minute. and every time i turn around, a new invitation finds its way into my lap.
i was sick and out of sorts thrusday and friday, then off to a bridal shower. friday night was fab, met some young boys and had fun w/ my girlfriends -- reconnecting over pitchers of beer and tapas. saturday i bought some naughty wear for the bride-to-be and made my way to dinner and cocktails w/ 18 beautiful women. things were going well after my first martini and tons of finger food. then as we are about to head out and get dirty with the dancing, my stomach screams and waves of nausea take over. i've had food poisoning before but this was hellish. i was literally so delirious that i don't remember the cab ride to gf's place. she, thankfully, took such good care of me as i proceeded to hug the porcelain all night long. turned around and took the train right back home on sunday.
was supposed to head to the movies w/ a guy who i think has intentions other than movie watching, but i cancelled as i was still not feeling totally myself. got yelled at by gf who thinks that saying "no" to any potential is just bad news for me. but the one thing i'm learning in this healing process is how to put me first w/ out feeling guilty....i didn't and nor should i feel bad about taking care of me. opportunities will come up again, they always do, and i'm just one that won't walk until i can really put my best foot forward. sometimes a little downtime is the best thing to do regardless of what expectations others have of you.

reNEWal

2006-08-16T14:35:00.000-04:00

i'm here i'm here! i just got busy with my life...and, well i wasn't up for writing about the goings-on just yet, was still mulling so much over in my head. this weekend was so crazy, not in terms of partying, but in terms of the range of emotions i experienced.

beginning with the house party, where i met my gf and her international crew. i passed on the mint juleps (ewww!) and had some vino. chatted up a few blokes and all around was enjoying myself. then mf (male friend) calls me and asks if i'm up for meeting still. whoops totally forgot. i invited him over to the party, thinking oh he won't come solo. ten minutes later he's there milling around w/ my friends as if he's known them forever. we then went to a few places near by and i found myself just laughing with mf. i didn't think about ex for a good few hours. danced w/ my gf...all in all-- great night, until i came home. i got an email from ex and i felt so sad again.
i know i'm trying to move on, but some of the time, i definitely feel an emptiness...esp when associating w/ some of these new people who don't know me like ex did. it's funny too, the sentiments he expressed in his very candid email were almost identical to what i have been feeling. so of course in my head i start wondering why the f*#k did we not work out? not really the most productive question to ask, i know, because it doesn't really matter. he ended it, and though he tried to explain why (and i do understand why) at the end of the day the why doesn't matter. if i hold on to the why, i'll never move on. when i let go of the why i can still feel tenderness for him, and open my eyes to my path and ME moving forward. at that time though all of this was not entering my head - so i went into a little mini breakdown, mini because a few minutes later i starting thinking about the process of renewal. reNEWal. new.

of course it will feel odd, it's new, and that's my reality. ex was once new too. i became much more gentle to myself, and just let it be. rest of the weekend was much more enjoyable once i wrapped my heart and head around this thought. no need to stop myself from moving on, that's the point, not only of the break-up, but of life!

no more numbers

2006-08-11T12:26:00.000-04:00

it's friday, but i'm not in that blissful TGIF zone today. heading into weekend 6, it's almost becoming easier to not think of things like this anymore, in terms of week x and weekend x. if i keep gauging everything from "the day we broke up" i'm still holding on to that as a benchmark. and while it worked for a while to feel good, it's really not necessary anymore. i am realizing it does me no good to count, so that's why i am titling this one, the end of numbers and really the beginning of my time fully.
time is just so precious to me, and i've managed to be so busy that i've had no time to work on something that i desperately need to do, such as pack. it just sounds so boring, maybe because it is. and i know how emotional it was just cleaning out the 2 closets. looking at what i have left, i think i'm going to further junk-ify this weekend. there are plenty of plans, and things to do, and i'll go and immerse myself in various circles and see what happens. up to this point i think i've physically been there, but not mentally and spiritually. just elsewhere. i used to get so drunk that i would *think* i was fully present, and know full well now that the booze only puts presence further away. and when you sober up, YOU comes at you so much stronger.

still sorting through all my emotions, and i was surprised to get angry for a bit again last night. these bursts of negativity tend to come up when chatting w/ someone about how i'm doing. maybe it's best to stick to not chatting about that w/ old friends and what not. it's funny, it doesn't happen when i'm talking to my daily friends at all. i am turning over so many new leaves it's like a change of season for me completely. it feels foreign, weird and i'm refreshingly clueless.

came across this the other day, good stuff.

middle of week 5

2006-08-09T11:25:00.000-04:00

things have been crazy busy -- good i suppose. i was just reading through some blogs and came across this. i could not believe it, someone was going through something so similar to me. only she did speak to hers. i'm still not up for initiating contact w/ ex though. i and i'm pretty sure he won't be contacting me. not that we are angry w/ each other, but it must be this way if he is truly to do what he needs to for him, and i for me. the old adage 'love is not enough' couldn't be more true. i think some people think that love is this simple entity - all nice and neat, with crisp edges and defined features. i really is not a static thing, it's active and it encompasses more than what one can say, feel, see, touch or do. there are many books out there that talk about what it does to your body -- a chemical alteration of sorts. saying all this, it's not really that complicated either. once you have the trust and the bond, and you are on the *same* page, the life of love can seem effortless because you know, and they know that they are safe to explore the territory.
ahh okay back to what's going on here. still haven't seen or talked to him. was in the hood' last night and nada, though i still walked down the street w/ my heart in my throat. bf from college was planning on coming in today, but looks like that's not going to happen. i'm bummed, but maybe it's a good thing considering the disarray of my room and mind (these are intricately connected for me - clean room, organized head). this weekend i'll take care of that disarray in the room at least. i've been super bad about calling people back this week. i just haven't felt like chatting, and i know my true friends will understand, up to a point. i have a feeling that when i talk to bf she'll give me the a** kicking i need to get back to my 'self'.
happy hump day.

made it past the one month mark

2006-08-07T11:49:00.000-04:00

wow, weekend is over. can't believe it's been one month. in order to recover from friday night, i pounded my body through a ridiculous sweat inducing workout. that was very good. what was not so good for my soul was what i did after that. i proceeded to clean out my closets. sounds harmless enough, except for the fact that i ended up going trough loads of pictures from years ago. this included numerous pics of me and ex looking (and being) very happy. i was surprised that the emotion that came from me was actually positive....making it even more difficult for me to digest the finality of our break up. see -- dumb move. but maybe not completely. i think the positive feeling was one of compassion and also appreciation of the good part of what we shared. us smiling and really meaning it. you can just see the love in that. it's too bad, it really is. i really thought we'd work out. i loved to laugh w/ him, i miss that so much. i didn't throw anything away, but i did consolidate one box for pictures and pictures only. that way i know where they are and can let them be.
i did make it to the bday dinner, was good fun w/ good girlfriends - and new friends in general. we made it to dance for a bit. around 2 am a random man comes up to me and tells me i look like the chick from entourage (show on cable tv). my gf gets giddy and proclaims that i look like someone famous. i quip back to the originator of the comment that the chick could be butt ugly. he stammers for a bit and promises that it's a complement and she's blazingly hot. i did break a smile. so this is what the unknown is like. he crashed our party and turns out he's from LA and an executive producer. i guess a lot of people don't believe him so he kept encouraging me to IMDB him. he was totally legit, and quite the ambitious and successful (thus far) entrepreneur.
he was nice, but i'm also really glad he doesn't live here. no worries.
sunday i hung out in the sun w/ my good friend afternoon morphed into evening in a matter of what seemed like seconds.
i am realizing i'm thinking right now, at this point - i don't like boyfriends, and i think i'll be pretty happy if i never have one again. hmmm that does sound a bit bitter or jaded huh? i didn't think i am, but maybe for now i am. i'm not angry, and i do think there are good men out there but right now, i'm just liking not dealing w/ anything at all - plus i have enough going on w/ the upcoming move and travels.
maybe, just maybe i'm not really sure how i'm feeling right now. it's too foggy, things are just all too raw. i am certain i still dearly love the man who's no longer around.

gearing up for weekend 4

2006-08-04T15:40:00.001-04:00

today was a work-from-home day thankfully. i started purging things out of current apt. i have a lot of junk to get rid of - hopefully this makes packing easier. i'm dreading packing. i just wish i could *snap* my fingers and poof the move, packing and unpacking were all done. can't believe this is weekend 4. lately i've been obsessed w/ break up stories -- other peoples. somehow it makes me feel better to hear them...esp ones where the couple had been together for 5,6 even 10 years in some cases! i see now that it just shouldn't have to take that long to make it work. everyone has issues myself included. it's when the issues are larger than life, and you can't put the other person or thing (relationship in this case) first at times -- that's when it's time to jump ship.
tonight there is some low key dinner/drink action going on in uptown w/ folks from class, plan on going there for a bit. an eclectic bunch we are -- ages ranging from 22 to 60! then may hit a latin lounge in the city. i'm not that excited, eeeh okay i'm actually definitely bummed out. there i said it, it's out there. not sure what will be the best way to work through it. yesterday i took a double class, level 2 then level 3 and still felt a bit heavy. another way to look at that is that i did feel a bit lighter. i should be excited too - finally got offered my own class slot, so that starts in september -- though it's on sundays, it's a good thing. sundays were my "ME" days, where i don't make plans, and only do what i what to do, when i want to do it, as it comes to me in my mind. hands down my fave day of the week. it still will be as the 1.5 hours is something that i do want to do.
saturday will be more of the packing, maybe some sun/swim then out for a bday party. i would normally be pumped about this but again, feeling blah. hope i can work through this sooner rather than later. sigh.
i know that this whole process just can't be rushed though.
it is what it is.

3 steps back

2006-08-03T15:33:00.000-04:00

yea that's how i feel, like i just took a huge jump back. emotionally that is. i know that i have to and am moving on. then why do i keep thinking about him? wondering if he's as miserable as i am -- as i miss everything...from sweet kisses to silent spooning.

i know why i'm thinking like this more today then usual. last night grabbed drinks w/ a mutual friend of ours. maybe it was a bad idea. i feel like i should be able to do this, hang out and hear about him, but i can't. does that mean i'm not strong enough? does it even matter? why am i putting this value statements into my healing process even?! this is my healing process, i call the shots. i just didn't want to hear that he's moving on...what made it worse is to hear our friend advising him to do that very thing. telling him to date others, and indirectly, telling me to do the same. and to make matters worse, i specifically stated to friend, "let's not engage in discussion about the obvious, and especially not the ex". moving on. yes, i guess i will, but right now i can't even think about it w/ out feeling nauseous. then he tells me that chick b (there is a chick a, more on that in another entry) was hitting on him like no other a few weekends ago. felt like crap to hear that...not because of the fact that it's a woman hitting on him, he's a free man as i am free, but because this was going on before we broke up. and he encouraged it completely. friend told me that ex wants nothing to do w/ it. yea i believe that, but that's only temporary. when he's weak enough and needs that escape, it's there for his use....more so as the physical can be completed by him, and many men w/ out even emotionally engaging.

anyways, enough about that. as my gf pointed out to me, i have nothing to feel bad about as this was going on WHILE i was with him to. not to the point of execution, but in subtle but very real ways. like i said in the last post, the whole don't want to live w/ out you IS in him, for whatever reason, not w/ me. and i have to accept that and go on. that's what i'm working on right now.
the move will be good, i'll focus on p&p this weekend -- packing and partying.
still feel weird..what's going to happen when we run into each other? it's almost been a month, he's only a few miles away...bound to happen soon. ugh ugh.

real-time: week 4

2006-08-02T14:28:00.000-04:00

now this is being written real time. this is week four and i'm midway through it. right now i'm mostly stressing about moving -- didn't mention it here, but i did find a new pad. much smaller then current place, but it'll be all mine, and i'm looking forward. looks like i may not get back that security deposit due to loco, financially whacky roommate. but i will try my best.

it's safe to say that i still feel so very weird. i'm trying my best to explain it here, but i feel like i can't do this ball of emotions in my heart justice. it feels so strange to be truly single again. i'm not saying it's bad or good, it just feels so foreign. i've been in this land long ago, and it's not scary, it's not even unfamiliar, but it's still strange. perhaps it's because i've been so focused on moving what i did have w/ ex to a better place. i was so determined to make it work, and now i see just how much of my energy went into that. i'm not saying there is not some work involved, there is in any relationship. now i'm seeing that what i was getting back was not even the base minimum. can you imagine negotiating seeing your partner less than 1x a week? that's what it was coming to. and inside all i wanted was to be wanted, in a similar sense to how i wanted him. and there is nothing you or i or anyone could have done to change that. he didn't want me in the same way, he even said it, i just didn't want to hear it fully. he said i'll never be that guy who'll say "i don't want to live w/out you". well damn it, there is, as there has been in my life, men that have said and meant and wanted that. i'm not saying that i want to hear "i can't live w/ out you" -- totally different. we can all live w/ out each other when it comes down to it. that's what i'm doing now. did i want to? no way. but i don't want to be where i'm not fully wanted. i was feeling like i was a burden, though i had no needs that were needy. doesn't sit well does it? i suppose that's why moving on has felt weird but not so crazy. i miss him dearly, and yea i still have an occasional emotional spurt (and i'm sure there will be more). point is i am going to go through this, working through it. it feels good not to hide what i'm feeling, and fully DO what i'm doing. this much i know, there is no way but up.

weekend 3

2006-08-01T16:09:00.000-04:00

before i get into weekend 3, let me back track to weekend 2. a very important detail i neglected to mention from that weekend. maybe it wasn't by accident. i was so po'd from it, i didn't mention it, but since i'm telling it all...

when i went out one night, i was meeting up w/ a male friend - a guy i've known for years, has a gf etc etc. he's never really been a fan of the ex, but was also very interested in hearing about the ex. i never told him much, that stays betw me and ex, that's just how i am. he's never hung out w/ ex on his own, but has seen him out w/ me and would always tell me how i deserve better blah blah blah. well now i know why he said that. we met up for drinks and he was supposed to meet up w/ his gf. he explained to me that they were in an "open relationship" meaning they are not exclusive, yet they bang 6 days out of the week. ya go figure. so he never went to meet her, instead he tagged along whilst i met up w/ my girls, which was fine, he's a pretty entertaining guy. this night above all, his flirt factor was riding high w/ me. to the point where he was grabbing my a** and what not all night. after a while i ended up just moving away, going to the other side of the room striking up conversations w/ random people just to get some respite. was making me very uncomfortable. then at 3am he gets a call from his buddy, after party. so we pack into his car and he puts some mushy sting/u2 type music on and i almost burst out in tears. i ask him to change it and he tells me that he likes the song. now was really po'd and on the verge of tears. i get to this after party and decide i need to just go home. he tells me he'll go with me so we can ahem 'talk all night' and he can ahem ' be there for me' . seriously, this is not the first time he's hinted at this, the other times were more blatant, like 'i will make you scream all night'. ya. thought he was joking but talk about crappy, i mean was feeling so down, but i in NO way wanted to sleep w/ anyone, esp not him.

okay back to WEEKEND 3. so needless to say, i didn't text sex-man back when he asked me to come to a party on friday night. eeeh naw thanks. had a girls night on friday -- drank an excessive amount of vodka and chilled at my girls house, then went to see a dj spin some 80's like no other. i danced my arse off! i did feel OLD tho...i mean OLD...it was a 25 max crowd. so i dragged one of my baby girl friends (she's still in the lower 20's ) to a place w/ a bit more balls =) we had fun there too. saturday night i was working and working till 9 then went to a late party in the city for a split second. the bus ride alone took one hour. lesson learned. sunday was shopping and bbq w/ my buddy, he's trying to find the right outfit for his proposal! you go boy! we got him some fly duds. all in all, was okay.

so i never thought emptiness could be so heavy. it's really heavy. hasn't let up yet, but i know that i must move on, even if it's only in motion right now. sometimes the action comes before the feeling. so though i'm not feeling like i'm moving on, every little action means something, and will get me there eventually. or at least this is what i tell myself. if i don't do it, no one will do it for me. this is in my hands only.

week 3

2006-07-31T15:11:00.000-04:00

monday started out ultra emotional. one the one hand, i was relieved the weekend was over. on the other hand, i was still digesting the fact that this was the first time i didn't celebrate his bday weekend w/ him. then i got an email from him saying that he had an okay time on his bday...and then the last paragraph of his email, that was the one that hit me hard. he basically told me he's been thinking about me a lot and was realizing more and more how wonderful i was and how grateful he was to know me. i didn't know what to say. i mean, sure i miss him and think he's amazing...many things i miss about him. but i guess in my mind, i don't want to communicate those things given the situation, we are no longer together. was i mad that he told me his feelings? no, not at all. it just felt weird because i knew i couldn't say anything back and feel good about it. this is where sadness round number oh crap i stopped counting, round number gazillion kicked in. self talk started in my head. i told myself, you can't talk to him about how feel, or even how you feel about he feels as that would be engaging with him on some level, actually on a very tender level, and that would not be good for me in the long run, if i am truly going to heal. so has hard as it was, when i wrote back, i didn't address his comment. i felt horrible, was thinking i hope he doesn't think that i'm some cold heartless -- then i thought wait a minute, i'm not cold, definitely not heartless, this is just ME putting ME first. taking care of my heart that is currently super duper broken. and all that matters right now is me picking up the pieces, and that's what i'm doing.

never heard back from him. which is good (sad but good). rest of the week flew by as every night was packed w/ either appointments, class or friends. already had plans for friday night before mid week rolled around. with my fave girls from class. i'm not feeling great, but not super crappy either. there is hope.

ps check this out

2006-07-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

friend just sent me this article on Break up excuses...pretty spot on.

ugh weekend 2

2006-07-28T15:05:00.000-04:00

took my time getting ready for my fun friday night out. had vino, blasted the music. i decided to take the bus instead of the subway...was way too hot out there. i get on the bus and wouldn't ya know it, some girl that knows the ex pretty well shouts out my name. now this is not just some girl -- she's pretty much a basketcase. sweet at first then you realize that there is some flighty action going on up there.

she wiggled her way up to the front of the bus to chat. okay this is fine, i think to myself. then she proceeds to ask me about the vacation that i just took w/ ex, did i love it there, wasn't it fun? yes, yes , i reply, trying to keep a straight face. then i figure, let me just be honest. i tell her that we are no longer together. she nods - she knew. okay then. she then tells me that she's on her way to go out WITH ex and friends. then proceeds to ask me where i'm going. i am very vague and the whole time i'm summoning up every source of energy in the universe that she does not inform me of their plans. i just didn't want to know, at all. knowing keeps me holding on, for now. until i get over this hump, i have to be cut out and off of his life, otherwise i'll never let go. i survey the bus, no -- there is no wall to bang my head on. darn it. so next stop was coming up, and i got off the bus. no, it was not my stop, but another bus will come. then i have my epiphany. i can always get out/off. another one will come. there is more to life than what i'm feeling. i still felt like crying...i missed him even more just knowing that i ran into someone that was going to be near him.

that night ended up fine, i went out, hung out, had some frosty bevz. the next day -- that was a doozey. it was his bday - and i really wanted to wish him well on it...despite the pain i was going through. i grappled w/ it. should i call? email? not do anything? then i thought about who i was, what i'm ABOUT, and i'm a person who cares, period. so i left him a brief voicemail and sent him a quick email. both were short and to the point. didn't think i'd hear back, as i said no need to respond. but he did call - while i was in the shower. oh back track, while i was leaving the message, i kept it short because i nearly ended up crying. my voice started cracking up in the end. sucked. his message was nice, was so good to hear his voice. i didn't call back. oh gosh i REALLY wanted to -- but i know opening up a dialogue would not be good for me, at all. i knew they'd be going out tonight and i knew the area somewhat, so i stayed away and did my own thing. was a quiter night for me, but i went through the motions of meeting up w/ friends -- have to admit, i was thinking a lot about him. how could i not? i had planned to take him away, i had chartered a yacht for us, the whole 9 yards. and i really wanted to do it for him. cancelled all that sh*t (obviously) and kept his present, which i still intend to give him somehow. i still mean it, even though it's over.

Week 2

2006-07-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

no surprise, this week was tough. came back from the trip and returned to my apt and my mind; both of which were a mess. i had so much going on that though i had my crying spells at night, during the day i was ultra productive. i think i prefer the weekdays now...sad, i used to live for the weekends. part of the dread this week came from the fact that i knew i'd be in town this week and weekend. sure i could have run away, and i almost booked a train out -- but other circumstances and perhaps a spirit intervened so i'd have to start facing the ugly sh*t.

current roommate really sucks arse. she's been MIA on all her rent payments, and now owes our management upwards of a few thousand bucks. yeah. so when i received another notice on wednesday, that sealed the deal. i'm moving out, getting my own place - finally! the thought of that was so liberating! new everything, starting over, completely, even though i'm in the same city. new diggs new gigs. which meant i had to stay in town, the best time to look is the weekend after all. basically this week i've become a serial Craig's list stalker. Refreshing the page oh every 10 minutes or so.
i took friday off and walked around the city, writing numbers down, setting up appointments. the first 2 people to return my call must have thought i was super loco. the price was right, the space sounded great, i was about to make an appnt to go see it - then they told me the address. RIGHT in HIS building! not 1 but 2 - the first 2 that called me back! aaaacccckkkk! i kinda froze on the phone. silence. "uh i'm not intersted" i said. they replied "but i thought you wanted something in the city". crap. "well i do, just not that part. thanks anyway". click. technically i didn't hang up on them because i did thank them. i was so glad i was meeting up w/ the girls that night, i definitely needed a few frosty ones after that.

weekend away

2006-07-27T10:31:00.001-04:00

weekend away
i love traveling alone! always have, but this trip has special significance. landed and headed straight for the beach. i have to admit, i was a bit antsy knowing my state of mind and the fact that i only knew one girl (the guest of honor) in the mix of 15! nervous about holding it together, don't' want to be crying randomly all weekend. as soon as i met them -- all my fears were alleviated...turns out 2 other girls had break-ups just that week as well! granted, their relationships weren't nearly as long (all under one year) but still, the sentiments and the emotions are all the same.

this weekend was a chance for me to really relax and let things out. i cried and a laughed and i laughed. still had trouble sleeping. i drank way too much -- till 5 am on the first night! then i went to yoga at 10am that same day -- drunk mind you. i couldn't do any inversions, and could feel the toxins literally coming out of every pore of my body. i was a sweaty mess. didn't remember much from the night before, except i did dance my a** off! i returned to the lobby and lo and behold -- there was a guy there looking for me. apparently my hot pants were shaking away and i must have told him where i was staying. i wanted to throw up! i'm not here to meet anyone and certainly don't want a tag along on a girls weekend! the way i see it, every night should have a new mix to shake with, not doing the 2 days in a row thing. nuh uh. no way. i pretended to be on the phone and nodded hello as i scurried up to my room. the girls then informed me that he was 10 years my junior! helloooooo....wow. uh....ya, i don't think so.
lost the carnage and headed out for another night on the town...since i shot my liver, i had a hard time sippin the gin n juice the rest of the weekend, but still had such a great time.

sunday was the perfect closure to the weekend. most of the girls left, save 5 of us and we got a hotel away from all the action. we bathed in the waves and talked for a good couple of hours, followed by a soak in the hot tub and then dinner overlooking the ocean. i did not want to leave. i knew what was waiting for me at home -- all my memories and pain that i still need to work though. but I MADE IT ONE WEEK! no calling, no communication w/ ex-man. phew, i know it seems like a small thing but so so huge for me, right now.

The beginning of the end...

2006-07-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

it happened about 3 weeks ago..the entries below are leading up to this present week...

day 1
-- yesterday the break up happened. i'm not ready to talk to anyone about it yet. no fight or anything but just really tear jerking. i tried so hard for so long and now i feel so angry and just a bit lost. like i lost something that was such a part of my life for so long, even if he wasn't giving me what i needed, i still feel the loss. can't stop crying..thank god i have a private cubicle at work. i'm leaving early today to go running and yoga and then sushi...i'll try and keep busy because otherwise i get so angry and sad. i can't wait for this phase to be over, i know it is a phase but right now it doesn't feel like it. it just feels heavy.

i'm trying not to pick everything apart, yet i don't want to fool myself into pseudo healing. the only way to get through this is to get THROUGH it, which means honestly looking at all that's happened in the 5+ years we've been together. he said he felt like this relationship was a burden, and that's just how he feels. that's his truth. if it's hard for him to schedule time once a week for this, us...it's hard for him. but what about me? for me, it's important and special and therefore not something that's hard, but rather something to look forward to. we all deserve to have partners that are eager to see us, that don't use guilt as a motivating factor, that truly wish to spend time with us. okay, but us, i'm talking about me. so thinking like this is giving me some comfort, as there are certain things that I am just about and that i need in a relationship. we weren't growing, he wasn't interested in doing anything new, and more and more, got less intersect even in me. not in words, but in action.

day 2
i can't believe how much energy i have! i did end up running for an hour, lifting for an hour and then going to advanced yoga for 1.5 hours...and i still couldn't sleep! hope i sleep tonight.
i realized that this is going to be an ongoing situation -- it's like you keep having to break up! many mutual friends don't know..and i'm getting tired of breaking the break up news. so voicemail to the rescue. nothign wrong w/ that, as i need time to chill out now.

day 3
no sleep last night AGAIN! still having a hard time breathing when i think about the fact that it is over. it is over. starting trying to concentrate on work more, the last 2 days have been a total waste. i've gotten back in touch w/ old friends that don't live here, and their advice and reminders of what i'm about have been so key. then all of a sudden i almost crap my pants, an email from him. couldn't help but open it. he basically asked me if i wanted to hang out, mutual friends in town. felt my palms get sweaty...is he crazy? it's been 2 days...how could i possibly see him after what happened? last time i saw him, we were both in tear hugging and then parting. forever. my initial response was to fire off some angry "how dare you even ask" response...but the more i thought about it, the more my compassion enveloped me. he can't know how his note would effect me, and i don't hate him after all, i would have loved to have met up....that's the sad part. but i know i have to face this reality now, not later. i'm no young spring chicken anymore, and meeting up and corresponding will only keep me holding on, will keep me closed off from healing...and i can't have that, regardless of my age. (30's if you're wondering).
so i shot an email back explaining that i'm still reeling from everything and meeting up would be bad for me. that was the key, talking about it in terms of what it meant for ME. surprisingly he sent me a curt email back agreeing. then i softly cried for about 15 minutes. these spells of random emotion are coming out of nowhere, i had no idea i had this much inside of me.
meeting gf for vino, keeping busy.

day 4
finally got 4 hours of sleep, i think it was the vino! was supposed to go out of town for a bachelorette party, but don't feel like going. maybe it will be good? just found a ticket too -- is that a sign? i think i may need to get vino tonight too...

day 5
slept for 4 hours again, must be the vino! going out of town...i was out last night too - till 1am then came home, packed and am heading out the door. i put all his pics away, and gathered all his stuff in the corner of my room. not sure how i'll manage getting it to him yet, but can't do it in person. i actually don't want to see him. i think i'm just too emotional -- that coupled with some of the anger i'm working though is making me antsy.